Live. Laugh. Love. DANCE.

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ZhiXin.
& I Love Dance.
I know I belong to God. I know I have awesome people around me. Maybe not all the time, but it's sufficient. Don't say I didn't warn you, my post are drug-doused; they are really long and might put you to sleep. There, you have all about me.





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Saturday, July 4, 2009
I never thought that I would have the courage to look for someone to speak to, in this state, until today. As though even my friends mock me fpr my current plight. I know that I had always had my numerous times of being in the state, being emotionally unstable. Major breakdowns, or I should say. I am judged by what my brother did, what he achieved-- nothing. I don't want to call my parents mean things but I do fel that they are "serial killers".. of my many hopes and dreams. A minute (or more) ago, I was hesitating. Thinking of whether I should call somebody in this emotionally unstable state of mine. One by one, the names flew across my mind. I pondered: (in no particular arrangement) Shiqi? no she's studying snd there's a high probability that she wouldn't understand. Sorry. Timothy? Nah, he would have been studying or doing a test paper or talking to his parents... shan't disturb him. Aaron? Nopes, don't think so. Even though he can sort of understand.. he's studying with Shiqi and Alli, probably can't spare the time. Fidelia?? I don't know, but I'm not even sure if I can do this, she may even be busy now. WeiYang? Well, he can try his best to make me laugh but if Shiqi can't understand, I doubt he can.. Or he may be hanging out with his friends?

It was finally decided and I plucked up my courage. "Di, di, di..." sounded as I punched in the numbers. Double-stabbed, noone picked up the phone till the last ring. I don't want to call anymore.. a little hurt inside out. It isn't her fault, I told myself. It's your wrong timing. Maybe I'm too pampered, or I don't know. I cry over the smallest issue , weak. Is it really true that our parents know us inside out? When we're crying inside but putting up a brave front? Do they rally know? Or they don't even realise... Is it the hurt they received from the people they know and the coldness of the world affecting their mind so badly that they can't see warmth and joy in anything? I bet they know least of the love I feel and the joy I experience when I spend time with my YF friends. Least of the least. Perhaps, I'm just too demanding, thinking that they would be able to read my mind and from there, understand me. I always think about them thinking in depth of why I do certain things. Maybe, I overestimated them. It was just my pure and innocent hope that they will think the way I thought thwy would.

By now, under the influence of my words you might be thinking that my parents aren't that ideal. Can you just do me a favor, step out of this picture and think it over. Is it them or just me?

If you actually read till this far, I salute you. Cause if I've not mistaken, blog-readers hate/detest this kind of long, boring, old post. That't one of the reasons I feel that no one would understand me without having the chance to have a loooong talk with me. Restrictions, controls, make me blind please, isn't that what you wanted? so that I won't ever stray from your side, never to think to myself and grow up to be a blind person when they are no longer around. Unexpectedly, tears are blurring my vision already.

By ZhiXin.♥
@ 2:48 PM